Glad game part two.

So a while ago I wrote down a list of things that made me happy. More than likely it'll be the same but I think it's important to take the time appreciate the little things and focus on the good and stop letting the bad in. Anyone who knows me knows, oh they know. But they must also know how weird, happy, positive and appreciative I am. Anxiety tends to try and take over but nah, not th anyore. Whiners are wieners and I'm most definitely not a hot dog.

1) I really my own company - a stroll around the shops with my music, food in a small cafe and then home to tea and cake. It's been a while since I've been a 9-5er but it's important to get this trait back.

2) I'm glad for that after work pyjama and wine wind down and crap tv and self pamper time. I'm a simple woman (autocorrected was defiant I mean Somali) who likes simple things. 

3) My ability to put my all in to something. Not to say I don't moan, I'm a human. I'm a human woman for fucks sake. But I don't like to give up unless it's quite clear I have to. I'll want to do something, I'll do that something. Sometimes it'll be a good something other times not so much (ahem uni). I hate to quote Coldplay but I always say 'if you never try, you'll never know'

4) My friends. Those I don't see as often as id like and as often as I should. It's hard to get caught up in the rat race, ugh that cliche, but it happens. It's weird making friends right, you just meet a human and decide you like this human and you want them in your life and they're there without any formal discussion. My best friend I've known for 12 years plus and it's like 'oh shit yeah, that's ages' and my other pals I'm more than confident that each time we meet were as ace as we always are.

5) Spending time with my boyfriend. It's nice to meet someone on the same page as you, someone's as weird as you and somebody's with same outlooks on things. Sense of humour is key. If you're not laughing in your relationship you're doing it wrong. Of course we have differences but we're alike in the right ways and I'm lucky to have someone who knows how to deal with the odd anxious outbursts (that I'm dead set on stopping, promise)

6) People. I've always been a people person. In the one who speaks with the bus 'weirdo' everyone pretends they don't see, asking strangers where they get their clothes from and telling the cashier my plans for the whole day.

6) Last but not least my family. 

I'm a happy girl, I am. Of course it's harder than I'm making out. But no more giving it the room the manifest. 

Anxiety versus life

I'm an open person, sometimes I wonder if this is a good thing or a bad thing, I'm very honest and can't lie for toffee. And I really like toffee.

It's mental health awareness week this week and as I've seen several anxiety posts lately so thought I'd share mine. I'm in no way comparing it to anybody else's experience or any other form of mental health. It's those two words themself that cause such a taboo isn't it?Especially Mental. Treating it isn't as simple, easy or accepted as physical health. If someone breaks a bone you don't push them to get better you slow the bone to mend itself the same way I allow my mind to. I'm not on any medication for mine, I stress mine is acute but it does have days where it feels like it consumes me but I've learnt and still am learning to control it. 

I was thirteen when I was diagnosed with OCD, I had a counsellor through my school and felt so relaxed about it. It's weird because I've never felt ashamed by it. Long story short my OCD was put at ease and disappeared as I started puberty. I went on to plenty of westlife gigs, becoming a bit emo and stalking paper boys. Fast forward ten years,  I'm moving out my mothers and into my own flat and all of sudden BAM! It hit me. Insecurity, loneliness, fear and sadness. It was silly things. It was not being at home to help my family because I wasn't there that triggered it. I was lucky because my flat mate was a best friend who although didn't entirely understand what I was through, heck neither did I, she was always there for a chat no matter how obscure my problems were. I'll always be grateful for anyone who takes the time out of their day to speak to anyone with mental health. It helps so much more than medication. The only reason I don't, and it's a personal one, is because I hate the idea of something controlling my mind. I love a quote and I live by it "control your mind or it will control you" and no truer words have been spoken. 

A year and a bit on from from its reappearance and I'm so much better. It pops up for a day or so and lately it's my boyfriend who gets the brunt of my weird ramblings and I'm lucky that's he's just as supportive. I meditate when I can and I'm looking to start a fitness program. I'm happy and anxiety shouldn't be seen as a permanent fixture in your life or it will be one. You give it room and it will manifest. It's about focusing on you and your happiness, wants and needs and slowly but surely you'll fall nearly back into a dare I say a 'normal' life with routine and plenty of room for spontaneity. Thoughts will come and go but you'll have the ability to push them aside and do something proactive. 

Thanks for reading 😁

6 things I appreciate

People tend to get on my tits a lot, mostly because I'm working in town and have a daily groan at those office type (I am also an office type, but brush past this) who push past you, don't hold doors open and have no manners generally speaking.

People also restore my faith in humanity and certain people make me smile, tons. I thought I'd gather a collection of things that perk me up, simply because it's the end of the weekend and a great few days.

1. People who listen to you and remember things you've told them. This is so underrated. Nothing worse than talking and pretty much seeing your words heading in one ear and out the other. Conversation with an open mind is one of my favourite things, be it as intellectual or as weird, I enjoy it.

2. Little surprises. Be it a friend or a family member or a lover just bringing you something they know you like. No reason for it -  they just want to see you smile. Return the favour too, make sure kind gestures are reciprocated.

3. Strangers smiling at one another. It sounds count I know. I've always said people should treat each other the way drunk girls do in the toilets. 'You're hair looks great'  'I like your shoes'  yes it may be daunting to approach a stranger but I've done it a handful of times, I'll more than likely never see them again and if someone looks good I'll tell them. (I won't go out my way to follow said stranger, there are limits to kindness haha)

4. Problem shared is a problem halved. I'm an over sharer and this isn't something I'm proud of and learning to cut down. But saying that, people who want to listen will listen and will advise.

5. Trips away, days alone and days shared.  I love the idea of taking the weekend and using it so much it needs to clean itself with bleach. Three nights, two days. Make the most of your time with yourself and those around you. Be an opportunist. Adventure and make memories.

6. Comfortable clothing. Those are probably the two words that define the peak of my adulthood, my youth has just poofed away. Pyjamas and a glass of wine (maybe a foot rub too). Corr.

Oh look, another goodbye 2014 post

I haven't wrote in a very long time,  Christ . It's not Christ's fault. It's mine. Let this post be the start of it. But I will be looking back at this year as quite odd yet most successful years, weird huh?

Blah blah anxiety blah. I'm sick of talking about just as much as friends are sick of hearing about it.  It's all the acknowledgement and acceptance that has allowed it to consume my happiness (deep) but it's also helped me understand or at least try to that it doesn't define me. It's ALL about the mind. I've learnt a few tricks through studying and talking to people,  control it and it can't hurt you.  If you're there constantly talking about how sad you are and how shit things are,  do you really expect a mental improvement? I've always been positive. Cup is always half full. Always. Even when moaning because like my hero Karl Pilkington says 'moaning is like a fart, you feel better once you let it out'.  Anxiety is no laughing matter though and neither is mental health. Try not to be a c*nt and support where needed.

I have achieved a new job AND promotion this year so hooray for me. After years of bar work,  which I look fondly back on like the one that got away, and applications after Interview after applications I got a big girl job. I like the 8-5 life although the, 5.30 wake up calls are dire in this weather/season.

I moved out of my lovely Hagley Road flat and back to Walsall on a temporary basis. I miss city life,  bright lights. People walking into me and shouting 'excuse you' loudly all while hiding behind the biggest bloke around.

Overview of 2014 is a thank you for the lessons,  thank you for the new friends and for the old friends and thanks for setting me up for a more than average year.

Goals
Travel thrice◻
Start a new blog and write stuff ◻
Get fit.  Healthy heart = healthy mind ◻
Move back to Birmingham city ◻
Start studying towards new career ◻
Get a hobby you bore ◻

Obsessive compulsive cleaners...

Obsessive compulsive cleaners. I do enjoy trash documentaries, I do. Having suffered minor OCD as a child and on/off anxiety through teens to adulthood I'm forever speaking up for mental health awareness but this show does nothing but make the sufferers an entertainment piece.

Obsessive compulsive cleaner meets a hoarder, gets shown around their home while wrenching and slating the shit out of it. Yes a week old pan full of food is a bit rank but surely it's on the same spectrum as licking your toilet because it's looks so clean? Just because somebody is different it doesn't mean they are wrong.

All this show does, and hey I won't pretend I don't secretly enjoy it because people do fascinate me, is highlight quirks and how weird it may be to keep decades worth of typewriters or cry because there is a hair in your glass, it doesn't solve the underlying physiological issue. Rant over.

Growing up is difficult.

It's often said that life is journey of self discovery or some other bullshit like that. I love to hate quotes by the way. When I was young and I'd broken up with boyfriends I'd plaster my Facebook and BBM with indirect song lyrics and quotes thinking I was subtle, ha. Anyway...

At the tender age 24 I am still learning so much about myself. I'm becoming a sassy little bitch yet come across shy and reserved I think it's because i don't force my personality on people and I have started dislike those who do. I will talk to anyone and everyone but I won't try more than handful of times, sometimes you don't click with people. It's life. I don't let things get to me, I'm strong but I'm sensitive, I am a woman after all! I am happy though and surely that matters. Ambitious and pervy with a penchant for good rum.

Let's talk about sex.

Close friends will know how often I talk about sex and how open I am about the subject. I don't go into filthy detail and past lovers can wipe beads of sweat off their heads as I never talk about particular sex I've had. Just sex. If friends want advice or any worries than I can be there to listen or advise. I'm not a hussy at all. This isn't a little piece I'm going to stick on craigslist, it's just me wondering why there is so much taboo on the subject. We all do it. It is after why we here as a result of it. Don't get me wrong I won't spark up a conversation with a stranger talking about fucking just friends and boyfriends.

And why is it still considered wrong if a girl wants a casual sexual relationship but if a man does it than it's ok because it's the modern age and it's what everyone is doing. Who are these men having casual sex with then? Huh? HUH? When I've mentioned to friends it may be what I'm after I may as well have been lynched. Not multiple men. Just one man and one woman with a clear understanding of the get down. We all have needs until you feel the need to settle down.

Anyway, rant off my chest. No, this isn't an invitation. Unless you want it to be.